Friday, 20 February 2009
...and the clown does a fart and we all fart back...
So firstly a quick thought, if that’s the right word, about society and the state of our miserable little earth corner.
Really, I have to ask myself, what the f4ck is going on?
What’s it all about Alfie?
As if it wasn’t bad enough that some dozy pair of f4cking nobodies have been found seriously wanting in the sex education department, now we have their 13 year old offspring, who barely looks capable of recognising the crack of dawn let alone getting a stiffy for long enough to impregnate the local Vicky Pollard a-like, being treated like a f4cking celebrity.
It doesn’t even stop there.
This bulging mass of testosterone has now got himself a f4cking agent.
Thirteen f4cking years old and Max Clifford is sniffing round him like a beagle round a foxes arsehole.
Newspaper access rights to the story have been negotiated and the rights to the TV documentary are reputed to be worth around £50k.
Quite literally unbef4ckinglielevable.
Some snottly little waste of jizz, dips his wick irresponsibly and earns, in all probablility, four times the salary of the average working man.
To cap it all, the recipient of this little spunkfest doesn’t even know who the father is.
Although she’s only fifteen years of age, she’s as well ridden as a gypsy merry go round.
Chuff like a bucket is the ultimate in understatements.
There’s even talk of a DNA paternity test, live, on TV.
Live on f4cking TV!
How totally screwed up can things get?
Think next time I go for a crap I’ll invite Richard and Judy along.
As I said, unbef4ckinglievable.
Despite anything I may have alluded to in the past or may yet hint at in the future, this is surely confirmation that British society is totally screwed.
Anyway, back to a favourite topic of mine, incompatibility.
Looking at the state of the floor in my daughter’s bedroom and the menagerie of charging devices from her various bits of gadgetry, all slithering around each other like a thousand asps as I tried to guide the vacuum cleaner’s nozzle around them, the sense that the bed may have been concealing a severed Gorgon’s head had me regarding the whole scenario from the relative safety of a mirror’s reflection.
Soon though, this could be a thing of the past and such mythical nonsense will be confined to...
...well, mythology.
Finally, after years of being a bunch of self obsessed egomaniacs, Mr Nokia, Mr Eriksson, Mr Samsung and all their cronies have got their act together.
The mobile phone makers of the world have united in a move to create a super charger.
One that will fit my phone as well as my wife’s and my kids’ phones!
Yippeee!
About bloody time too.
Wouldn’t it have been easier to have done this at the start instead of each thinking they were better and more important than the rest?
They did, after all, manage to achieve some parity at the other end of the cable which fits every mains socket in the world either directly or via an adaptor.
Maybe that was just because they had to.
Freedom of choice wasn’t open to them and the market had to get what the market needed.
To have offered anything other than a standard 13 amp plug in the UK would have been as popular as pork chops at a Bar mitzvah.
The appliance end though, was a whole different set of rules and it didn’t stop at phones.
Anything hand held and portable had to have its own unique interface.
But now that all is rosy in the great technological Eden, we can look forward to having one, and only one, charger
Presumably in the future, when we buy a replacement phone and don’t need a replacement charger, the new phone will cost less than the old one.
Who am I trying kid!!!
In doing this, don’t they simply create another little crevice from where an additional cost can seep out to the consumer?
I can’t even say this is the shape of things to come because this is literally the shape of here and now.
Ever tried ordering a take away pizza?
Anything other than a Frisbee of dough splattered with the odd pulpy red stuff and a sprinkling of cheese will cost you more with every extra topping you add.
Similarly if you’ve ever bought or tried to buy a flight online, which I’m sure you have, you’ll find all sorts of misleading offers to tempt you.
If you look far enough ahead, at dates on which you don’t actually want to travel, you’ll be sure to find fights for ONLY 99p.
This of course is total bollocks and should never be taken with any kind of seriousness.
Numerous airlines are opening up new reduced rates and special offers, even to and from the inaccessible and sparsely populated corners of Scotland.
Cheap flights to Inverness or Birmingham for instance.
£39.99, £29.99, £19.99, £9.99!
All that good psychology that we know so well!
A penny below the nearest tenner.
I’ve done that myself, explaining the cost of a guitar, or something equally and indispensably practical to my beloved.
“Yeah it was a real bargain, only 500 quid” when in reality it was a penny short of six hundred.
The thing now is that once they’ve lured you in with the cheap flight, you then have to pay taxes, so suddenly your £119.94 family return to Brum costs you £360 of the Queens good beer vouchers.
What really gets my goat about this though, is not the fact that it’s expensive but the fact that the taxes are only the start.
They are levied by the government and, despite whatever we all chose to believe, there is some form of regulation involved.
All the other extras, levied by the airline, that can almost double your bill appear to be much more woolly around the edges.
It pretty much looks like they can do whatever they please and make the prices up as they go along.
If you don’t have access to the internet and have to be old fashioned, you’ll need a real ticket as opposed to an eTicket. This means you’ll have to manually check in – bang, that’ll be £10 thank you very much.
If you want to sit together with your family that will be an additional £10 per person thank you kind sir.
If you want an in flight meal (bizarre I know), that will cost you another £10 per person unless of course you’re unfortunate enough to be a vegetarian which will cost you double.
The one consolation though, is that you can eat the in flight magazine which is actually free.
If you’re the type who are really interested in looking at the inside of clouds (not an Aberdonian trait I can tell you) then you’ll be wanting a window seat. That privilege will set you back another £10.
The good old excess baggage charge is consigned to history. Now, instead of having to pay £10 per kilo over 20, you have to pay an ‘any baggage charge’
A flat rate £30 to put anything in the hold.
You might be a nervous flier or get a bit stressed by the whole affair. God help you if you suffer from IBS or if you’ve been for a curry the night before. Next thing, you’ll have to pay to use the loo and then find that the toilet paper is metered.
Makes you wonder where it will all stop.
Soon, passengers will be charged by weight although, having endured an 8 hour transatlantic flight wedged next something resembling a blimp, that may not be a bad thing.
In truth, there’s only one word for this.
It rhymes with grunts and I like to prefix it with greedy and thieving.
So anyway, back to Mr Moto and his chums, presumably when this new super-dooper all singing, all dancing, philanthropic charger unit becomes available, we will all be expected to join the surge for a new phone with the micro-USB connector interface.
What then happens to all the multitudes of obsolete chargers and redundant mobies?
So much for their improved environmental footprint!
Considering the fact that, in our house alone, there are at least twenty different chargers, I would say it’s more of an environmental arseprint.
Just like the one the technology fat cats have been collectively dragging around behind them for years
Anyway, back to my earlier rant, oddly, or perhaps not, as I write this, I’m listening to one of the greatest English songwriters of our time, Ray Davies.
It occurs to me that he’ll probably write a song about this latest example of public immorality.
But when I think about it...
He probably already has...
And so the music...
Ray Davies – Other Peoples Lives
http://rapidshare.com/files/200547206/Other_Peoples_Lives.rar
Arcade Fire - Joker's Wild
http://rapidshare.com/files/199774013/Joker_s_Wild.rar
Deacon Blue - London Marquee Show – Nov 1986
http://rapidshare.com/files/199784939/London_Marquee_Show_-_Nov_1986.rar
The Gin Blossoms - Live In The USA
http://rapidshare.com/files/199797990/Live_In_The_USA.rar
The Gin Blossoms – New Miserable Experience
http://rapidshare.com/files/199823973/New_Miserable_Experience.rar
Garbage - Live Tokyo, Japan (Fuji_Rock_Festival) 08.01.1998
http://rapidshare.com/files/199809298/Live_Tokyo__Japan__Fuji_Rock_Festival__8_1_1998.rar
Pete Yorn - Music For The Morning After
http://rapidshare.com/files/199817978/Music_For_The_Morning_After.rar
Stephen Fretwell – Man on the Roof
http://rapidshare.com/files/199828564/Man_on_the_Roof.rar
Belle & Sebastian – Milking It
http://rapidshare.com/files/199837261/Milking_It_-_Belle___Sebastian_Live.rar
The Aliens - Luna
http://rapidshare.com/files/199846906/Aliens__The.rar
Damien Jurado – Gathered In Song
http://rapidshare.com/files/199851069/Gathered_In_Song.rar
Frightened Rabbit – The Midnight Organ Fight
http://rapidshare.com/files/199858540/Frightened_Rabbit.rar
Rich Kids – Ghosts Of Princes In Towers
http://rapidshare.com/files/199877863/Ghosts_Of_Princes_In_Towers.rar
The Beta Band – Hot Shots
http://rapidshare.com/files/199884800/Hot_Shots_II.rar
Rachael Yamagata - Happenstance
http://rapidshare.com/files/199896044/Happenstance.rar
Tori Amos – Little Earthquakes
http://rapidshare.com/files/199906424/Little_Earthquakes.rar
Enjoy
Hooli
Sunday, 1 February 2009
Manners maketh man or so they say...
So, having performed CPR on this ailing box of crap for the fourth time, I finally managed to access the internet without coming down with something terminal. There I was, idly chuffing my way around the web the other day, trying to source a weekend of culture for the Easter hols and what did I stumble upon? This superb little guide to all things cultured in our splendid little country subtitled ‘Acceptable Behaviour in England’
I suspect Messrs. Lucas and Walliams may have had a peek at this too. Perhaps they might even have inspired it and, although I somehow doubt that, you can almost hear Tom Baker reading it.
Amusingly, it carried a disclaimer, presumably added so as not to offend the rest of the UK.
Please note: We have mainly written about England, as that is the country within the UK where our students live. We would be very happy for schools and visitors to send us information we can add to our website on Wales and Scotland.
It struck me after reading it that this is not the norm.
It asked, “Which of the following social customs are similar or different to your country?”
In reality none of these really exist anywhere outside of Windsor. It’s all so frightfully public school.
It also struck me that it would have been much more exciting to have provided a guide to Acceptable Behaviour in Scotland.
Nonetheless, it was a riveting read.
In it’s absence, I've decided to provide my own version of what to expect in Scotland - just in case anyone gets lost on their way to Win-zarr.
Much of the text in italic, the English version of things, has been lifted from the Woodlands Junior School in Kent webpage and I’ll apologise in advance if I’ve offended their tender sensibilities but this is screaming out to be lampooned…
The British are said to be reserved in manners, dress and speech.
We are famous for our politeness, self-discipline and especially for our sense of humour.
Basic politeness (please, thank you, excuse me) is expected.
The Scots in particular are reserved in manners; this is what comes of not getting out much and being shat on by one’s neighbours for centuries. The Scottish sense of humour is wry to say the least.
In England...
How to greet someone.
British people are quite reserved when greeting one another. A greeting can be a bright 'Hello' 'Hi' or 'Good morning', when you arrive at work or at school.
In Scotland...
We prefer ‘fit like’, ‘howzitgaun’ or ‘awrightryihooryi’ sharply followed by a slap in the puss or a swift kick in the bollocks (males only).
Do Shake Hands.
When you are first introduced to someone, shake their right hand with your own right hand.
In Scotland, it is the custom to avoid meeting people and indulging in pleasantries. This comes from generations of mistrust of everyone. If forced into this situation, a simple slanted nod and a firm but not crushing handshake will suffice. Any vague notion that you may harbour that it's cool to do all that silly Americanised high five, wiggly fish, knuckle knocking crap with a triple salco, pike and a full twist, should be discarded. This is not cool, especially if you're in the centre of Paisley with rain pissing down around you or in Peterhead, sticking of fish and getting dive bombed by seagulls. Such behaviour will most certainly earn you a bonus kick in the bollocks.
Do not greet people with a kiss.
We only kiss people who are close friends and relatives.
Greeting with a kiss is more popular in Scotland than in England, particularly the Glesga kiss. This originated in Glasgow and is now finding favour throughout the country. It involves leaning slightly backwards from the neck and nodding the head forwards in the direction of the recipient’s nose. There is something of an art to this and it is said that, in the finest practitioners, the motion is barely perceptible.
Kissing of any other kind is less common unless you intend to shag the recipient later.
If a shag is not on the cards, expect a kick in the bollocks instead.
Terms of Endearment - Names we may call you.
You may be called by many different 'affectionate' names, according to which part of the Britain you are visiting. Do not be offended, this is quite normal. For example, you may be called dear, dearie, flower, love, chick, chuck, me duck, me duckie, mate, guv, son, ma'am, madam, miss, sir, or treacle, according to your sex, age and location.
North of the border you might be called pal if you’re lucky.
Otherwise it will be ‘cock’ or ‘min’ if you’re male; ‘hen’ or ‘doll’ if you’re female.
Sometimes you will get ‘shite! I thought yi wur someone else’ usually as you recover from a Glesga kiss and a kick in the bollocks.
Manners are Important
DOs and DON'TS (Taboos) in England
In England...
Do stand in line.
In England we like to form orderly queues (standing in line) and wait patiently for our turn e.g. boarding a bus. It is usual to queue when required, and expected that you will take your correct turn and not push in front. 'Queue jumping' is frowned upon.
In Scotland we also like to queue. This is especially evident during the early hours of Saturday and Sunday mornings where, at numerous taxi ranks and bus shelters, the popular sport of bitch baiting can be seen. This is the one where boozed up little tarts have a go at slagging each other off while their male companions ram as much Doner kebab down their throats in a single stream before giving it the big boak in the nearest doorway.
Queue jumping is tantamount to buggering someone's pet and carries the sternest of punishments. It is not uncommon, especially after a Saturday night on the bevvy, for an entire queue to end up either in the cells or in the infirmary.
Do take your hat off when you go indoors (men only).
It is impolite for men to wear hats indoors especially in churches.
Nowadays, it is becoming more common to see men wearing hats indoors. However, this is still seen as being impolite, especially to the older generations.
Scots don’t wear hats. Hats are for jessies
Do say "Excuse Me".
If someone is blocking your way and you would like them to move, say excuse me and they will move out of your way.
‘Beat it bawbag’ or ‘gitootomaroad yi wee shite’ are more common in the north. If you say excuse me, every on will think you’ve dropped one and bugger off. Same result I guess.
Do open doors for other people.
Men and women both hold open the door for each other. It depends on who goes through the door first.
In Scotland it is particularly common where there are double doors for everyone to funnel clumsily through only one. This may be because it has been bolted shut by the practicality police or may simply be because we are too closely related to sheep to be capable of independent rational thought.
Do Pay as you Go.
Pay for drinks as you order them in pubs and other types of bars.
Do say "Please" and "Thank you":
It is very good manners to say "please" and "thank you". It is considered rude if you don't. You will notice in England that we say 'thank you' a lot.
North of the border, getting a drinks order in is like finding the Holy Grail. Even if you actually get to the bar, if there are women around you haven’t a hope of getting served. Faced with women, the barmen suddenly come on like Casanova. The more this pisses you off, the less chance you have of getting served. You can wave your tenner all you like, make eye contact with him and shout out your order but you will invariably find he’s serving the blonde standing behind you.
If its getting to the end of the night, chances are that by the time you’ve got you order in, some other poor souls got caught short and wazzed in your pocket.
It is common to use terms of exasperation.
You will find in Scotland that we say f4ck off quite a lot.
Do cover your Mouth.
When yawning or coughing always cover your mouth with your hand.
Scots hack and cough all the time. This is the result of generations of coal dust, asbestos and carbon monoxide inhalation along with habitual addiction to fags and whisky. If that doesn't give you a cough then the shite weather will.
The cough though is an involuntary action and cannot be made right by a voluntary action.
Best not to draw attention to yourself. All that'll happen is some smart arsed boy scout will end up giving you the Heimlich manoeuvre and everyone else'll think he's shagging you.
Yawning, of course, is for children and cisses.
We don't do it.
Do say sorry.
If you accidentally bump into someone, say 'sorry'. They probably will too, even if it was your fault! This is a habit and can be seen as very amusing by an 'outsider'.
Heyminlookwherryirgaun yi wee f4cker is a common term used in Scottish cities. They will probably echo the phrase where after the two of you are obliged to beat the shit out of one another.
In the countryside, there are so few people there is absolutely no danger of bumping into somebody (unless of course you class sheep as somebody)
Do Smile.
A smiling face is a welcoming face
Don’t do it, especially if you are an American who has had expensive dental work done. Scots are famous the world over for their bad teeth and being greeted by a mass of gleaming white porcelain is insulting to someone who has a shameful row of pegs resembling 100 year old gravestones. This will most likely result in said expensive dental work having to be repeated and you'll probably get a kick in the bollocks into the bargain.
Public Behaviour
Avoid talking loudly in public.
It is impolite to stare at anyone in public.Privacy is highly regarded.
Nobody talks loud better than the Scots, except perhaps the Germans, but that a whole other story.
It is commonplace in Scottish cities at the weekend for youngsters to get completely off their tits on breezers and WKD. This incites all sorts of roaring, shouting, leering and a general disregard for privacy. The tendency to goad anyone into some form retaliatory action in the name of some sport just proves that Chatham is on the march and coming to a town near you.
Do not ask a lady her age.
It is considered impolite to ask a lady her age
In Scotland, this too will result in a kick in the bollocks.
Avoid gestures such as backslapping and hugging.
This is only done among close friends.
This is reserved for loud Americans with cigars the size of small zeppelins. Again, this will earn no respect and will get you a kick in the bollocks. In the case of hugging, it might be a knee in bollocks but the end result is the same.
Do not spit.
Spitting in the street is considered to be very bad mannered.
Spitting, along with forced unclogging of a nostril, is reserved for the football pitch.
This is only one step away from taking a dump in the street.
Kick in the bollocks, kick up the arse followed by another kick in the bollocks for good measure.
Do not ask personal or intimate questions.
We like our privacy. Please do not ask questions such as "How much money do you earn?" "How much do you weigh?" or "Why aren't you married?".
You guessed it - kick in the bollocks
Do not pick your nose in public.
We are disgusted by this. If your nostrils need de-bugging, use a handkerchief.
If you are hungry, go to a kebab shop. If you need to unclog, because of the weather, be prepared to release a full pint of toxic waste. A hankie will not do the job. Try a shopping bag instead.
Do not burp in public.
You may feel better by burping loudly after eating or drinking, but other people will not! If you cannot stop a burp from bursting out, then cover your mouth with your hand and say 'excuse me' afterwards.
Learn some restraint if you must but generally, no one will notice for all the loud shouty chav types and their boom boxes.
Do not pass wind in public.
Now how can we say this politely? Let's say that you want to pass wind. What do you do? Go somewhere private and let it out. If you accidentally pass wind in company say 'pardon me'.
If you must crack one off, make sure a dog is present. If this is not possible, divert attention by setting light to your arse crack. This will burn off any smell.
Your colon may spontaneously combust and explode out through your abdomen but at least every one will have forgotten that it was you who farted.
Do not talk and eat simultaneously.
It is impolite speak with your mouth full of food.
If you can talk and eat at the same time you will soon become a legend so long as you keep the contents of your mouth in it. If you spray food everywhere you will be branded a lunatic or a geriatric and get locked in a piss smelling home for the rest of eternity.
Women and status.
Women in Britain are entitled to equal respect and status as men (and indeed vice versa) in all areas of life and tend to have more independence and responsibility than in some other cultures. Women are usually independent and accustomed to entering public places unaccompanied. It is usual for women to go out and about on their own as well as with friends. Men and women mix freely.
Scottish women are entitled to the same respect and status as sheep.
Sheep are money.
It is ok for women to eat alone in a restaurant.
In Scotland, it is also perfectly acceptable for women (and sheep) to eat alone in restaurants. It is however, a commonly accepted fact that any woman eating in a restaurant on her own is either gay or has a face like the bottom of a boat.
Any sheep eating alone in a restaurant is simply being fattened up before finding it’s way onto the menu.
It is ok for women to wander around on their own.
Scottish women have been know to wander around on their own but, like sheep, this is something they have great difficulty in coping with.
Besides, in Scotland, this is considered unsafe. The only women who wander around on their own are prostitutes.
It is ok for women to drink beer.
Northern women only drink beer if it is served with a whisky chaser.
Visiting people in their houses.
When being entertained at someone's home it is nice to take a gift for the host and hostess. A bottle of wine, bunch of flowers or chocolates are all acceptable.
Sending a thank you note is also considered appropriate.
If you are fortunate enough to be invited into someone's home, remember all that crap about lumps of coal and shortbread is total nonsense. Scots tend to resort to the old favourites – 6 tins o’ special brew for him and some Domestos for her (just for her hair).
Eating.
We eat continental style, with fork in the left hand and the knife in the right.
The British generally pay a lot of attention to good table manners.
Even young children are expected to eat properly with knife and fork.
We eat most of our food with cutlery. The foods we don't eat with a knife, fork or spoon include sandwiches, crisps, corn on the cob, and fruit.
In the north, we had to sell off all the cutlery to pay the bookies tab so there’s no chance of such pleasantries. We were born with five fingers on each hand and, if it was good enough for the Picts, it’s good enough for us.
Things you should do.
If you cannot eat a certain type of food or have some special needs, tell your host several days before the dinner party.
If you are a guest, it is polite to wait until your host starts eating or indicates you should do so. It shows consideration.
Always chew and swallow all the food in your mouth before taking more or taking a drink.
You may eat chicken and pizza with your fingers if you are at a barbecue, finger buffet or very informal setting. Otherwise always use a knife and fork.
Always say thank you when served something. It shows appreciation.
When eating rolls, break off a piece of bread before buttering. Eating it whole looks tacky.
On formal dining occasions it is good manners to take some butter from the butter dish with your bread knife and put it on your side plate (for the roll). Then butter pieces of the roll using this butter. This pevents the butter in the dish getting full of bread crumbs as it is passed around.
When you have finished eating, and to let others know that you have, place your knife and folk together, with the prongs (tines) on the fork facing upwards, on your plate.
If you are lucky enough to be invited to guest at a Scottish dinner party, chances are that by the time the food reaches the table, your host, and everyone else for that matter, will be so blootered that you could swallow a whole pig sideways and wash it down with a bucket of ox blood, all while dancing naked on the table, and no one would notice.
In a restaurant, it is normal to pay for your food by putting your money on the plate the bill comes on.
Scots don't eat in restaurants because they are overpriced and crap but if they did, they'd be well on the way to the pub by the time the bill arrived.
Things you should not do.
Never lick or put your knife in your mouth.
It is impolite to start eating before everyone has been served unless your host says that you don't need to wait.
Never chew with your mouth open. No one wants to see food being chewed or hearing it being chomped on.
It is impolite to have your elbows on the table while you are eating.
Don't reach over someone's plate for something, ask for the item to be passed.
Never talk with food in your mouth.
It is impolite to put too much food in your mouth.
Never use your fingers to push food onto your spoon or fork.
It is impolite to slurp your food or eat noisily.
Never blow your nose on a napkin (serviette). Napkins are for dabbing your lips and only for that.
Never take food from your neighbours plate.
Never pick food out of your teeth with your fingernails.
Things that are ok to do:
It is ok to pour your own drink when eating with other people, but it is more polite to offer pouring drinks to the people sitting on either side of you.
It is ok to put milk and sugar in your tea and coffee or to drink them both without either.
Such pleasantries are the reserve of the English Home Counties where food, cutlery and good manners are plainly of greater abundance, and greater importance, than common sense.
If you are at a Scottish dinner, do not, under any circumstances put a knife in your mouth unless you are also prepared to do some fire eating and some chainsaw juggling after dessert. This will only be seen as a challenge and it won’t be long before big Dougie fae Oban gets his Claymore out.
Chewing with an open mouth, talking while eating, spraying food around and general rudeness is frowned upon if noticed.
This is the reserve of the elderly and infirm. If you are caught raving and drooling like a lunatic then that's exactly how you will be treated. This will result in your host forcibly ejecting you from their table and having to place his foot upon your gonads.
Other things that are frowned upon are the removing of false limbs, false eyes and false teeth at the table along with spilling drink. Your host takes the evening aperitif very seriously.
Buckfast is expensive stuff and not to be wasted.
How to eat Soup.
When eating soup, tip the bowl away from you and scoop the soup up with your spoon.
Soup should always be taken (without slurping of course) from the side of the spoon, and not from the 'end' as in most of the rest of Europe.
Back to the good old Scots sense of humour, don't be surprised to find only bread, roll or oatcakes to accompany your soup. Your sole weapon is likely to be a fork especially if the soup is runny.
How to eat peas.
To be very polite, peas should be crushed onto the fork - a fork with the prongs pointing down. The best way is to half load the fork with something to which they will stick, such as potato or a soft vegetable that squashes easily onto the fork. It's sometimes easier to put down your knife and then switch your fork to the other hand, so you can shovel the peas against something else on the plate, thus ensuring they end up on your fork.
In general, Scots never eat anything that is green. If you are unlucky enough to be presented with peas, the simplest thing to do is take your knife in your right hand and scrape the little green pellets into your female companion's handbag. Years later, when she next goes to use the old Louis Vuitton, she will find them and think that a rabbit has crapped in it.
If it’s a posh do, a napkin will suffice.
How to eat pudding (desserts).
To eat dessert, break the dessert with the spoon, one bite at a time. Push the food with the fork (optional) into the spoon. Eat from the spoon. (Fork in left hand; spoon in right.)
Scots don't have dessert. Dessert is for girlies and reminds us of camels. The only pudding we eat is battered haggis, mealie or black pudding from the chipper.
If someone offers you a pudding, be prepared to go down on a thing that looks, and probably tastes, like a donkeys knob.
How to use a napkin or serviette.
The golden rule is that a napkin should never be used to blow your nose on. This is a definite no-no. Napkins should be placed across the lap - tucking them into your clothing may be considered 'common'.
If, in Scotland, you are at somewhere a bit posh, you might be presented with a napkin. Most Scots, unless they are accustomed to dealing with peas, have no idea how to sport the old serviette and resort to the fancy dress technique, tying it like a neckerchief a la Milky Bar Kid. If have to excuse yourself during the meal, be sure to leave your napkin behind as it is not to be used as any form of substitute for toilet paper, especially if it's a linen napkin.
How to negotiate leftovers.
What do you say or do if you've accidentally taken too much food and you cannot possibly eat it all?
Say:
"I'm sorry, but it seems that 'my eyes are bigger than my stomach'.
or
"I'm sorry. It was so delicious but I am full".
The main thing is not to offend your host.
If you don’t manage to clear your plate and all the debris from around you, you will probably be branded a cissy. If you have simply been a greedy bastard and taken too much, you will be branded a greed bastard for taking too much.
One of America's greatest inventions though, is the doggy bag which, if you manage to find somewhere good to eat, is a good way of bunking off the catering duty for the rest of the week.
Driving.
What is it like to drive in Britain?
In Britain, we drive on the left-hand side of the road, so the steering wheel is on the right. However the pedals are in the same position as in left-handed cars, with the accelerator (gas pedal) on the right. The gears and almost always the handbrake (parking brake) is operated with the left hand.
Most cars in Britain are manual cars i.e have a gear stick.
In Scotland we drive where ever we want. The steering wheel might as well be on the roof for all the use it gets and as for the brake, well that’s just to give you something to tap your foot on so can pretend to be Animal from the Muppet Show when you get stuck in the inevitable traffic jam. The hand brake is largely irrelevant in Scotland as nobody ever uses it and the gearstick is generally removed from all but ladies cars. In your male car, this can be found in the glove box and used along with the wheel brace as a supplementary drumstick.
Petrol (Gas) in Britain is one of the most expensive in the world. We pay on average 98 pence a litre.
The further north you go the more you get ripped off. A litre of petrol on the Isle of Lewis will set you back around forty quid. Most cars have been converted to run on sheep’s piss.
Minimum driving age in the UK
The minimum age for driving a car in the UK is 17, and 16 for riding a moped or motorbike with a maximum engine capacity of 50cc.
In Scotland, the average age for beginning to drive is 12. In some cities, if the hot-wiring and bricking skills meet the criteria, this can be as low as 10.
Roads.
There are some 225,000 miles (362,000 km) of roads in Britain. Many of the roads are built on the old roads laid down by the Romans centuries ago.
Roads in Britain range from wide modern motorways down to narrow country lanes usually bordered by hedges, stone walls, grassy banks or ditches. Cities and towns tend to have compact streets because they date back to well before cars were invented, and were certainly not planned for large lorries (trucks).
In Britain, our three main roads are "M" roads, "A" roads, and "B" roads.
"M" roads are like American freeways. They are known as motorways and are fast roads. They have three or four lanes.
"A" roads are not controlled-access: they range from two-lane divided highways ("dual carraigeways") down to one-lane roads. They are the main routes between towns.
"B" roads are the smaller of the three. They may be in the open or have impentrable foliage right up to the road. Road markings (curves, etc.) may be sparse.
In Scotland, the roads get worse the further north you go.
General Wade, that great visionary comedian, road builder extraordinaire and veteran of two Scottish rebellions, fairly knew how to take the piss out of technological advancement and get his own back on the Scots. He gave us the hump back bridge. Driving over one of these is akin to driving over a woolly mammoth. If your car has a wheelbase greater than a mini you can expect to end up like that old cartoon of Noah’s Ark perched atop Mount Ararat.
Like England we too have three types of road.
Crap, crappier and crappiest.
All of these, without exception, you will find inhabited by 40ft articulated lorries, bendy buses, tractors, JCB’s and taxis.
If you have to nip out to the shops or perhaps to your local takeaway, you are bound to get stuck behind at least one of these as it shortcuts its way past the local primary school.
Be sure to take some sandwiches and a nice flask of tea as you may be gone for some time.
Tolls and speed.
Some motorways have tolls (pay a fee to drive)
All speed limits and distances, on signs, are given in miles or miles per hour.
1 mile is about 1.6 km.
Round signs indicate speed limits with the limit amount circled by a red band. When the speed limit has stopped then there is a black line at an angle crossing over a white circle.
The National Speed limits
National Speed limit on motorways and dual carriage ways: 112kph / 70mph
National Speed limit on unrestricted single carriageway roads: 96kph / 60mph
National Speed limit in built up areas e.g. towns and villages: 48kph / 30mph
National Speed limit in some residential areas: 35kph / 20mph
In Scotland, speed limits are universally ignored. Speed cameras are normally empty and the road signs are only there for local scallys to indulge in a bit of target practice. Anyone seen observing a speed limit will easily be identified as a tourist and will probably get mugged.
Toll roads do not exist.
Toll booths would only be targets for thieves.
Do Drive on the left side of the road.
In England we drive on the left hand side of the road and speed limits are strictly observed. We give great consideration to our fellow road user and relish to joy and freedom of motoring.
Unless you are from another planet, or completely and criminally insane, don’t drive in Scottish cities at all. All Scottish cities have been blessed with road planners who couldn’t finish a join the dots puzzle for a three year old. This is the only explanation for the fact that all our ring roads go directly through the city suburbs - kind of like your heart surgeon explaining your heart by pass is going to consist of him tunnelling through the middle of your pericardium with a spoon.
Scottish drivers and Scottish roads are the worst on earth, which is nice because they can share a wonderful symbiotic relationship where each can blame the other ad infinitum.
One of the scariest things you will encounter on the Scottish highway is the roundabout. Well, perhaps not so much the roundabout but peoples attitude towards it.
Because we have no concept of lane discipline, it is common to pick the shortest and fastest route. We have this thing in Aberdeen called the Haudigan (that’s short for haud it gaun – Which translates as hold it or keep it going) How apt a moniker that was. Nobody ever stops.
Three lanes of total stupidity all wrapped round a silly little 3m-diameter bollard.
Parking in Scotland is one of those finely honed skills of which we are justly proud.
Never park in a single bay at a supermarket if you and take up two. Better still use the disabled spaces. They're extra wide so neighbouring cars won’t open their doors into yours. If anyone asks what kind of disability you have, you can freely use the expression "Tourette's Syndrome, now f4ck off".
Sport.
The English public schools have bred a culture of Cricket and Rugger. These are the civilised sporting pursuits of many a gent on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon.
In Scotland, we too play rugby but we’ve never been as good at it as the English so we try to keep quiet about it as much as possible.
We don’t play cricket – only jessies play cricket.
We have our own game, which is a cross between golf, hockey and polo (minus the horses).
Shinty is basically a legitimised battle between two teams with a ball and camans, These are like bats and are introduced just to make it look like sport.
The one thing, above all, to remember if visiting Scotland and meeting a Scots person is to never, ever, under any circumstances, utter the phrases "see you Jimmy" or "it's a braw bricht moonlit nicht"
This is the sort of stereotypical nonsense that is put about by bad English comedians who should have been drowned at birth.
On the subject of stereotypical nonsense, that covers pretty much all of the above.
Still, if you can't laugh at yourself what can you do?
Generally, Scotland is a wonderful and beautiful place if you're visiting.
It's only crap if you have to live here.
And so the music...
Sting – Chicago Sessions
http://rapidshare.com/files/160799233/Chicago_sessions_1.zip
http://rapidshare.com/files/160806736/Chicago_sessions_2.zip
Bush - Virgin Megastore NYC
http://rapidshare.com/files/192195588/Virgin_Megastore_NYC.rar
Bruce Springsteen – War And Roses
http://rapidshare.com/files/192209293/War_And_Roses_1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/192222304/War_And_Roses_2.rar
The Charlatans – Us And Us Only
http://rapidshare.com/files/192233068/Us_And_Us_Only.rar
Oysterband - Ride
http://rapidshare.com/files/188498988/Ride_1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/188508183/Ride_2.rar
Nick Cave – Viva Las Vegas
http://rapidshare.com/files/188539062/Viva_Las_Vegas_1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/188549837/Viva_Las_Vegas_2.rar
Neil Young -World On A String, Oakland 20.03.1999
http://rapidshare.com/files/188577209/World_On_A_String__Oakland_20.03.1999_1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/188582391/World_On_A_String__Oakland_20.03.1999_2.rar
Skuobhie Dubh Orchestra – A New Cat
http://rapidshare.com/files/188995479/A_New_Cat.rar
The Sweet – Desolation Boulevard
http://rapidshare.com/files/189003874/Desolation_Boulevard_1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189010172/Desolation_Boulevard_2.rar
Malcolm Middleton – Into The Woods
http://rapidshare.com/files/189016728/Into_The_Woods.rar
Counting Crows - Royal Albert Hall, London http://rapidshare.com/files/188519274/Royal_Albert_Hall__London_-_6_6_2003_1.rar http://rapidshare.com/files/188528142/Royal_Albert_Hall__London_-_6_6_2003_2.rar
Counting Crows - West Palm Beach, FLA, 31.08.2006 http://rapidshare.com/files/188556543/West_Palm_Beach__FLA__31.08.2006_1.rar http://rapidshare.com/files/188565855/West_Palm_Beach__FLA__31.08.2006_2.rar
Rory Gallagher – Le Casino, Paris
http://rapidshare.com/files/189056723/Le_Casino_Paris__05.12.1986.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189068722/Le_Casino_Paris__05.12.1986_1.rar
Matthew Sweet – 100% Sweet
http://rapidshare.com/files/189078456/matthew_sweet_-_100_percent_sweet_1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189084050/matthew_sweet_-_100_percent_sweet_2.rar
Enjoy
Hooli
I suspect Messrs. Lucas and Walliams may have had a peek at this too. Perhaps they might even have inspired it and, although I somehow doubt that, you can almost hear Tom Baker reading it.
Amusingly, it carried a disclaimer, presumably added so as not to offend the rest of the UK.
Please note: We have mainly written about England, as that is the country within the UK where our students live. We would be very happy for schools and visitors to send us information we can add to our website on Wales and Scotland.
It struck me after reading it that this is not the norm.
It asked, “Which of the following social customs are similar or different to your country?”
In reality none of these really exist anywhere outside of Windsor. It’s all so frightfully public school.
It also struck me that it would have been much more exciting to have provided a guide to Acceptable Behaviour in Scotland.
Nonetheless, it was a riveting read.
In it’s absence, I've decided to provide my own version of what to expect in Scotland - just in case anyone gets lost on their way to Win-zarr.
Much of the text in italic, the English version of things, has been lifted from the Woodlands Junior School in Kent webpage and I’ll apologise in advance if I’ve offended their tender sensibilities but this is screaming out to be lampooned…
The British are said to be reserved in manners, dress and speech.
We are famous for our politeness, self-discipline and especially for our sense of humour.
Basic politeness (please, thank you, excuse me) is expected.
The Scots in particular are reserved in manners; this is what comes of not getting out much and being shat on by one’s neighbours for centuries. The Scottish sense of humour is wry to say the least.
In England...
How to greet someone.
British people are quite reserved when greeting one another. A greeting can be a bright 'Hello' 'Hi' or 'Good morning', when you arrive at work or at school.
In Scotland...
We prefer ‘fit like’, ‘howzitgaun’ or ‘awrightryihooryi’ sharply followed by a slap in the puss or a swift kick in the bollocks (males only).
Do Shake Hands.
When you are first introduced to someone, shake their right hand with your own right hand.
In Scotland, it is the custom to avoid meeting people and indulging in pleasantries. This comes from generations of mistrust of everyone. If forced into this situation, a simple slanted nod and a firm but not crushing handshake will suffice. Any vague notion that you may harbour that it's cool to do all that silly Americanised high five, wiggly fish, knuckle knocking crap with a triple salco, pike and a full twist, should be discarded. This is not cool, especially if you're in the centre of Paisley with rain pissing down around you or in Peterhead, sticking of fish and getting dive bombed by seagulls. Such behaviour will most certainly earn you a bonus kick in the bollocks.
Do not greet people with a kiss.
We only kiss people who are close friends and relatives.
Greeting with a kiss is more popular in Scotland than in England, particularly the Glesga kiss. This originated in Glasgow and is now finding favour throughout the country. It involves leaning slightly backwards from the neck and nodding the head forwards in the direction of the recipient’s nose. There is something of an art to this and it is said that, in the finest practitioners, the motion is barely perceptible.
Kissing of any other kind is less common unless you intend to shag the recipient later.
If a shag is not on the cards, expect a kick in the bollocks instead.
Terms of Endearment - Names we may call you.
You may be called by many different 'affectionate' names, according to which part of the Britain you are visiting. Do not be offended, this is quite normal. For example, you may be called dear, dearie, flower, love, chick, chuck, me duck, me duckie, mate, guv, son, ma'am, madam, miss, sir, or treacle, according to your sex, age and location.
North of the border you might be called pal if you’re lucky.
Otherwise it will be ‘cock’ or ‘min’ if you’re male; ‘hen’ or ‘doll’ if you’re female.
Sometimes you will get ‘shite! I thought yi wur someone else’ usually as you recover from a Glesga kiss and a kick in the bollocks.
Manners are Important
DOs and DON'TS (Taboos) in England
In England...
Do stand in line.
In England we like to form orderly queues (standing in line) and wait patiently for our turn e.g. boarding a bus. It is usual to queue when required, and expected that you will take your correct turn and not push in front. 'Queue jumping' is frowned upon.
In Scotland we also like to queue. This is especially evident during the early hours of Saturday and Sunday mornings where, at numerous taxi ranks and bus shelters, the popular sport of bitch baiting can be seen. This is the one where boozed up little tarts have a go at slagging each other off while their male companions ram as much Doner kebab down their throats in a single stream before giving it the big boak in the nearest doorway.
Queue jumping is tantamount to buggering someone's pet and carries the sternest of punishments. It is not uncommon, especially after a Saturday night on the bevvy, for an entire queue to end up either in the cells or in the infirmary.
Do take your hat off when you go indoors (men only).
It is impolite for men to wear hats indoors especially in churches.
Nowadays, it is becoming more common to see men wearing hats indoors. However, this is still seen as being impolite, especially to the older generations.
Scots don’t wear hats. Hats are for jessies
Do say "Excuse Me".
If someone is blocking your way and you would like them to move, say excuse me and they will move out of your way.
‘Beat it bawbag’ or ‘gitootomaroad yi wee shite’ are more common in the north. If you say excuse me, every on will think you’ve dropped one and bugger off. Same result I guess.
Do open doors for other people.
Men and women both hold open the door for each other. It depends on who goes through the door first.
In Scotland it is particularly common where there are double doors for everyone to funnel clumsily through only one. This may be because it has been bolted shut by the practicality police or may simply be because we are too closely related to sheep to be capable of independent rational thought.
Do Pay as you Go.
Pay for drinks as you order them in pubs and other types of bars.
Do say "Please" and "Thank you":
It is very good manners to say "please" and "thank you". It is considered rude if you don't. You will notice in England that we say 'thank you' a lot.
North of the border, getting a drinks order in is like finding the Holy Grail. Even if you actually get to the bar, if there are women around you haven’t a hope of getting served. Faced with women, the barmen suddenly come on like Casanova. The more this pisses you off, the less chance you have of getting served. You can wave your tenner all you like, make eye contact with him and shout out your order but you will invariably find he’s serving the blonde standing behind you.
If its getting to the end of the night, chances are that by the time you’ve got you order in, some other poor souls got caught short and wazzed in your pocket.
It is common to use terms of exasperation.
You will find in Scotland that we say f4ck off quite a lot.
Do cover your Mouth.
When yawning or coughing always cover your mouth with your hand.
Scots hack and cough all the time. This is the result of generations of coal dust, asbestos and carbon monoxide inhalation along with habitual addiction to fags and whisky. If that doesn't give you a cough then the shite weather will.
The cough though is an involuntary action and cannot be made right by a voluntary action.
Best not to draw attention to yourself. All that'll happen is some smart arsed boy scout will end up giving you the Heimlich manoeuvre and everyone else'll think he's shagging you.
Yawning, of course, is for children and cisses.
We don't do it.
Do say sorry.
If you accidentally bump into someone, say 'sorry'. They probably will too, even if it was your fault! This is a habit and can be seen as very amusing by an 'outsider'.
Heyminlookwherryirgaun yi wee f4cker is a common term used in Scottish cities. They will probably echo the phrase where after the two of you are obliged to beat the shit out of one another.
In the countryside, there are so few people there is absolutely no danger of bumping into somebody (unless of course you class sheep as somebody)
Do Smile.
A smiling face is a welcoming face
Don’t do it, especially if you are an American who has had expensive dental work done. Scots are famous the world over for their bad teeth and being greeted by a mass of gleaming white porcelain is insulting to someone who has a shameful row of pegs resembling 100 year old gravestones. This will most likely result in said expensive dental work having to be repeated and you'll probably get a kick in the bollocks into the bargain.
Public Behaviour
Avoid talking loudly in public.
It is impolite to stare at anyone in public.Privacy is highly regarded.
Nobody talks loud better than the Scots, except perhaps the Germans, but that a whole other story.
It is commonplace in Scottish cities at the weekend for youngsters to get completely off their tits on breezers and WKD. This incites all sorts of roaring, shouting, leering and a general disregard for privacy. The tendency to goad anyone into some form retaliatory action in the name of some sport just proves that Chatham is on the march and coming to a town near you.
Do not ask a lady her age.
It is considered impolite to ask a lady her age
In Scotland, this too will result in a kick in the bollocks.
Avoid gestures such as backslapping and hugging.
This is only done among close friends.
This is reserved for loud Americans with cigars the size of small zeppelins. Again, this will earn no respect and will get you a kick in the bollocks. In the case of hugging, it might be a knee in bollocks but the end result is the same.
Do not spit.
Spitting in the street is considered to be very bad mannered.
Spitting, along with forced unclogging of a nostril, is reserved for the football pitch.
This is only one step away from taking a dump in the street.
Kick in the bollocks, kick up the arse followed by another kick in the bollocks for good measure.
Do not ask personal or intimate questions.
We like our privacy. Please do not ask questions such as "How much money do you earn?" "How much do you weigh?" or "Why aren't you married?".
You guessed it - kick in the bollocks
Do not pick your nose in public.
We are disgusted by this. If your nostrils need de-bugging, use a handkerchief.
If you are hungry, go to a kebab shop. If you need to unclog, because of the weather, be prepared to release a full pint of toxic waste. A hankie will not do the job. Try a shopping bag instead.
Do not burp in public.
You may feel better by burping loudly after eating or drinking, but other people will not! If you cannot stop a burp from bursting out, then cover your mouth with your hand and say 'excuse me' afterwards.
Learn some restraint if you must but generally, no one will notice for all the loud shouty chav types and their boom boxes.
Do not pass wind in public.
Now how can we say this politely? Let's say that you want to pass wind. What do you do? Go somewhere private and let it out. If you accidentally pass wind in company say 'pardon me'.
If you must crack one off, make sure a dog is present. If this is not possible, divert attention by setting light to your arse crack. This will burn off any smell.
Your colon may spontaneously combust and explode out through your abdomen but at least every one will have forgotten that it was you who farted.
Do not talk and eat simultaneously.
It is impolite speak with your mouth full of food.
If you can talk and eat at the same time you will soon become a legend so long as you keep the contents of your mouth in it. If you spray food everywhere you will be branded a lunatic or a geriatric and get locked in a piss smelling home for the rest of eternity.
Women and status.
Women in Britain are entitled to equal respect and status as men (and indeed vice versa) in all areas of life and tend to have more independence and responsibility than in some other cultures. Women are usually independent and accustomed to entering public places unaccompanied. It is usual for women to go out and about on their own as well as with friends. Men and women mix freely.
Scottish women are entitled to the same respect and status as sheep.
Sheep are money.
It is ok for women to eat alone in a restaurant.
In Scotland, it is also perfectly acceptable for women (and sheep) to eat alone in restaurants. It is however, a commonly accepted fact that any woman eating in a restaurant on her own is either gay or has a face like the bottom of a boat.
Any sheep eating alone in a restaurant is simply being fattened up before finding it’s way onto the menu.
It is ok for women to wander around on their own.
Scottish women have been know to wander around on their own but, like sheep, this is something they have great difficulty in coping with.
Besides, in Scotland, this is considered unsafe. The only women who wander around on their own are prostitutes.
It is ok for women to drink beer.
Northern women only drink beer if it is served with a whisky chaser.
Visiting people in their houses.
When being entertained at someone's home it is nice to take a gift for the host and hostess. A bottle of wine, bunch of flowers or chocolates are all acceptable.
Sending a thank you note is also considered appropriate.
If you are fortunate enough to be invited into someone's home, remember all that crap about lumps of coal and shortbread is total nonsense. Scots tend to resort to the old favourites – 6 tins o’ special brew for him and some Domestos for her (just for her hair).
Eating.
We eat continental style, with fork in the left hand and the knife in the right.
The British generally pay a lot of attention to good table manners.
Even young children are expected to eat properly with knife and fork.
We eat most of our food with cutlery. The foods we don't eat with a knife, fork or spoon include sandwiches, crisps, corn on the cob, and fruit.
In the north, we had to sell off all the cutlery to pay the bookies tab so there’s no chance of such pleasantries. We were born with five fingers on each hand and, if it was good enough for the Picts, it’s good enough for us.
Things you should do.
If you cannot eat a certain type of food or have some special needs, tell your host several days before the dinner party.
If you are a guest, it is polite to wait until your host starts eating or indicates you should do so. It shows consideration.
Always chew and swallow all the food in your mouth before taking more or taking a drink.
You may eat chicken and pizza with your fingers if you are at a barbecue, finger buffet or very informal setting. Otherwise always use a knife and fork.
Always say thank you when served something. It shows appreciation.
When eating rolls, break off a piece of bread before buttering. Eating it whole looks tacky.
On formal dining occasions it is good manners to take some butter from the butter dish with your bread knife and put it on your side plate (for the roll). Then butter pieces of the roll using this butter. This pevents the butter in the dish getting full of bread crumbs as it is passed around.
When you have finished eating, and to let others know that you have, place your knife and folk together, with the prongs (tines) on the fork facing upwards, on your plate.
If you are lucky enough to be invited to guest at a Scottish dinner party, chances are that by the time the food reaches the table, your host, and everyone else for that matter, will be so blootered that you could swallow a whole pig sideways and wash it down with a bucket of ox blood, all while dancing naked on the table, and no one would notice.
In a restaurant, it is normal to pay for your food by putting your money on the plate the bill comes on.
Scots don't eat in restaurants because they are overpriced and crap but if they did, they'd be well on the way to the pub by the time the bill arrived.
Things you should not do.
Never lick or put your knife in your mouth.
It is impolite to start eating before everyone has been served unless your host says that you don't need to wait.
Never chew with your mouth open. No one wants to see food being chewed or hearing it being chomped on.
It is impolite to have your elbows on the table while you are eating.
Don't reach over someone's plate for something, ask for the item to be passed.
Never talk with food in your mouth.
It is impolite to put too much food in your mouth.
Never use your fingers to push food onto your spoon or fork.
It is impolite to slurp your food or eat noisily.
Never blow your nose on a napkin (serviette). Napkins are for dabbing your lips and only for that.
Never take food from your neighbours plate.
Never pick food out of your teeth with your fingernails.
Things that are ok to do:
It is ok to pour your own drink when eating with other people, but it is more polite to offer pouring drinks to the people sitting on either side of you.
It is ok to put milk and sugar in your tea and coffee or to drink them both without either.
Such pleasantries are the reserve of the English Home Counties where food, cutlery and good manners are plainly of greater abundance, and greater importance, than common sense.
If you are at a Scottish dinner, do not, under any circumstances put a knife in your mouth unless you are also prepared to do some fire eating and some chainsaw juggling after dessert. This will only be seen as a challenge and it won’t be long before big Dougie fae Oban gets his Claymore out.
Chewing with an open mouth, talking while eating, spraying food around and general rudeness is frowned upon if noticed.
This is the reserve of the elderly and infirm. If you are caught raving and drooling like a lunatic then that's exactly how you will be treated. This will result in your host forcibly ejecting you from their table and having to place his foot upon your gonads.
Other things that are frowned upon are the removing of false limbs, false eyes and false teeth at the table along with spilling drink. Your host takes the evening aperitif very seriously.
Buckfast is expensive stuff and not to be wasted.
How to eat Soup.
When eating soup, tip the bowl away from you and scoop the soup up with your spoon.
Soup should always be taken (without slurping of course) from the side of the spoon, and not from the 'end' as in most of the rest of Europe.
Back to the good old Scots sense of humour, don't be surprised to find only bread, roll or oatcakes to accompany your soup. Your sole weapon is likely to be a fork especially if the soup is runny.
How to eat peas.
To be very polite, peas should be crushed onto the fork - a fork with the prongs pointing down. The best way is to half load the fork with something to which they will stick, such as potato or a soft vegetable that squashes easily onto the fork. It's sometimes easier to put down your knife and then switch your fork to the other hand, so you can shovel the peas against something else on the plate, thus ensuring they end up on your fork.
In general, Scots never eat anything that is green. If you are unlucky enough to be presented with peas, the simplest thing to do is take your knife in your right hand and scrape the little green pellets into your female companion's handbag. Years later, when she next goes to use the old Louis Vuitton, she will find them and think that a rabbit has crapped in it.
If it’s a posh do, a napkin will suffice.
How to eat pudding (desserts).
To eat dessert, break the dessert with the spoon, one bite at a time. Push the food with the fork (optional) into the spoon. Eat from the spoon. (Fork in left hand; spoon in right.)
Scots don't have dessert. Dessert is for girlies and reminds us of camels. The only pudding we eat is battered haggis, mealie or black pudding from the chipper.
If someone offers you a pudding, be prepared to go down on a thing that looks, and probably tastes, like a donkeys knob.
How to use a napkin or serviette.
The golden rule is that a napkin should never be used to blow your nose on. This is a definite no-no. Napkins should be placed across the lap - tucking them into your clothing may be considered 'common'.
If, in Scotland, you are at somewhere a bit posh, you might be presented with a napkin. Most Scots, unless they are accustomed to dealing with peas, have no idea how to sport the old serviette and resort to the fancy dress technique, tying it like a neckerchief a la Milky Bar Kid. If have to excuse yourself during the meal, be sure to leave your napkin behind as it is not to be used as any form of substitute for toilet paper, especially if it's a linen napkin.
How to negotiate leftovers.
What do you say or do if you've accidentally taken too much food and you cannot possibly eat it all?
Say:
"I'm sorry, but it seems that 'my eyes are bigger than my stomach'.
or
"I'm sorry. It was so delicious but I am full".
The main thing is not to offend your host.
If you don’t manage to clear your plate and all the debris from around you, you will probably be branded a cissy. If you have simply been a greedy bastard and taken too much, you will be branded a greed bastard for taking too much.
One of America's greatest inventions though, is the doggy bag which, if you manage to find somewhere good to eat, is a good way of bunking off the catering duty for the rest of the week.
Driving.
What is it like to drive in Britain?
In Britain, we drive on the left-hand side of the road, so the steering wheel is on the right. However the pedals are in the same position as in left-handed cars, with the accelerator (gas pedal) on the right. The gears and almost always the handbrake (parking brake) is operated with the left hand.
Most cars in Britain are manual cars i.e have a gear stick.
In Scotland we drive where ever we want. The steering wheel might as well be on the roof for all the use it gets and as for the brake, well that’s just to give you something to tap your foot on so can pretend to be Animal from the Muppet Show when you get stuck in the inevitable traffic jam. The hand brake is largely irrelevant in Scotland as nobody ever uses it and the gearstick is generally removed from all but ladies cars. In your male car, this can be found in the glove box and used along with the wheel brace as a supplementary drumstick.
Petrol (Gas) in Britain is one of the most expensive in the world. We pay on average 98 pence a litre.
The further north you go the more you get ripped off. A litre of petrol on the Isle of Lewis will set you back around forty quid. Most cars have been converted to run on sheep’s piss.
Minimum driving age in the UK
The minimum age for driving a car in the UK is 17, and 16 for riding a moped or motorbike with a maximum engine capacity of 50cc.
In Scotland, the average age for beginning to drive is 12. In some cities, if the hot-wiring and bricking skills meet the criteria, this can be as low as 10.
Roads.
There are some 225,000 miles (362,000 km) of roads in Britain. Many of the roads are built on the old roads laid down by the Romans centuries ago.
Roads in Britain range from wide modern motorways down to narrow country lanes usually bordered by hedges, stone walls, grassy banks or ditches. Cities and towns tend to have compact streets because they date back to well before cars were invented, and were certainly not planned for large lorries (trucks).
In Britain, our three main roads are "M" roads, "A" roads, and "B" roads.
"M" roads are like American freeways. They are known as motorways and are fast roads. They have three or four lanes.
"A" roads are not controlled-access: they range from two-lane divided highways ("dual carraigeways") down to one-lane roads. They are the main routes between towns.
"B" roads are the smaller of the three. They may be in the open or have impentrable foliage right up to the road. Road markings (curves, etc.) may be sparse.
In Scotland, the roads get worse the further north you go.
General Wade, that great visionary comedian, road builder extraordinaire and veteran of two Scottish rebellions, fairly knew how to take the piss out of technological advancement and get his own back on the Scots. He gave us the hump back bridge. Driving over one of these is akin to driving over a woolly mammoth. If your car has a wheelbase greater than a mini you can expect to end up like that old cartoon of Noah’s Ark perched atop Mount Ararat.
Like England we too have three types of road.
Crap, crappier and crappiest.
All of these, without exception, you will find inhabited by 40ft articulated lorries, bendy buses, tractors, JCB’s and taxis.
If you have to nip out to the shops or perhaps to your local takeaway, you are bound to get stuck behind at least one of these as it shortcuts its way past the local primary school.
Be sure to take some sandwiches and a nice flask of tea as you may be gone for some time.
Tolls and speed.
Some motorways have tolls (pay a fee to drive)
All speed limits and distances, on signs, are given in miles or miles per hour.
1 mile is about 1.6 km.
Round signs indicate speed limits with the limit amount circled by a red band. When the speed limit has stopped then there is a black line at an angle crossing over a white circle.
The National Speed limits
National Speed limit on motorways and dual carriage ways: 112kph / 70mph
National Speed limit on unrestricted single carriageway roads: 96kph / 60mph
National Speed limit in built up areas e.g. towns and villages: 48kph / 30mph
National Speed limit in some residential areas: 35kph / 20mph
In Scotland, speed limits are universally ignored. Speed cameras are normally empty and the road signs are only there for local scallys to indulge in a bit of target practice. Anyone seen observing a speed limit will easily be identified as a tourist and will probably get mugged.
Toll roads do not exist.
Toll booths would only be targets for thieves.
Do Drive on the left side of the road.
In England we drive on the left hand side of the road and speed limits are strictly observed. We give great consideration to our fellow road user and relish to joy and freedom of motoring.
Unless you are from another planet, or completely and criminally insane, don’t drive in Scottish cities at all. All Scottish cities have been blessed with road planners who couldn’t finish a join the dots puzzle for a three year old. This is the only explanation for the fact that all our ring roads go directly through the city suburbs - kind of like your heart surgeon explaining your heart by pass is going to consist of him tunnelling through the middle of your pericardium with a spoon.
Scottish drivers and Scottish roads are the worst on earth, which is nice because they can share a wonderful symbiotic relationship where each can blame the other ad infinitum.
One of the scariest things you will encounter on the Scottish highway is the roundabout. Well, perhaps not so much the roundabout but peoples attitude towards it.
Because we have no concept of lane discipline, it is common to pick the shortest and fastest route. We have this thing in Aberdeen called the Haudigan (that’s short for haud it gaun – Which translates as hold it or keep it going) How apt a moniker that was. Nobody ever stops.
Three lanes of total stupidity all wrapped round a silly little 3m-diameter bollard.
Parking in Scotland is one of those finely honed skills of which we are justly proud.
Never park in a single bay at a supermarket if you and take up two. Better still use the disabled spaces. They're extra wide so neighbouring cars won’t open their doors into yours. If anyone asks what kind of disability you have, you can freely use the expression "Tourette's Syndrome, now f4ck off".
Sport.
The English public schools have bred a culture of Cricket and Rugger. These are the civilised sporting pursuits of many a gent on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon.
In Scotland, we too play rugby but we’ve never been as good at it as the English so we try to keep quiet about it as much as possible.
We don’t play cricket – only jessies play cricket.
We have our own game, which is a cross between golf, hockey and polo (minus the horses).
Shinty is basically a legitimised battle between two teams with a ball and camans, These are like bats and are introduced just to make it look like sport.
The one thing, above all, to remember if visiting Scotland and meeting a Scots person is to never, ever, under any circumstances, utter the phrases "see you Jimmy" or "it's a braw bricht moonlit nicht"
This is the sort of stereotypical nonsense that is put about by bad English comedians who should have been drowned at birth.
On the subject of stereotypical nonsense, that covers pretty much all of the above.
Still, if you can't laugh at yourself what can you do?
Generally, Scotland is a wonderful and beautiful place if you're visiting.
It's only crap if you have to live here.
And so the music...
Sting – Chicago Sessions
http://rapidshare.com/files/160799233/Chicago_sessions_1.zip
http://rapidshare.com/files/160806736/Chicago_sessions_2.zip
Bush - Virgin Megastore NYC
http://rapidshare.com/files/192195588/Virgin_Megastore_NYC.rar
Bruce Springsteen – War And Roses
http://rapidshare.com/files/192209293/War_And_Roses_1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/192222304/War_And_Roses_2.rar
The Charlatans – Us And Us Only
http://rapidshare.com/files/192233068/Us_And_Us_Only.rar
Oysterband - Ride
http://rapidshare.com/files/188498988/Ride_1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/188508183/Ride_2.rar
Nick Cave – Viva Las Vegas
http://rapidshare.com/files/188539062/Viva_Las_Vegas_1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/188549837/Viva_Las_Vegas_2.rar
Neil Young -World On A String, Oakland 20.03.1999
http://rapidshare.com/files/188577209/World_On_A_String__Oakland_20.03.1999_1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/188582391/World_On_A_String__Oakland_20.03.1999_2.rar
Skuobhie Dubh Orchestra – A New Cat
http://rapidshare.com/files/188995479/A_New_Cat.rar
The Sweet – Desolation Boulevard
http://rapidshare.com/files/189003874/Desolation_Boulevard_1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189010172/Desolation_Boulevard_2.rar
Malcolm Middleton – Into The Woods
http://rapidshare.com/files/189016728/Into_The_Woods.rar
Counting Crows - Royal Albert Hall, London http://rapidshare.com/files/188519274/Royal_Albert_Hall__London_-_6_6_2003_1.rar http://rapidshare.com/files/188528142/Royal_Albert_Hall__London_-_6_6_2003_2.rar
Counting Crows - West Palm Beach, FLA, 31.08.2006 http://rapidshare.com/files/188556543/West_Palm_Beach__FLA__31.08.2006_1.rar http://rapidshare.com/files/188565855/West_Palm_Beach__FLA__31.08.2006_2.rar
Rory Gallagher – Le Casino, Paris
http://rapidshare.com/files/189056723/Le_Casino_Paris__05.12.1986.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189068722/Le_Casino_Paris__05.12.1986_1.rar
Matthew Sweet – 100% Sweet
http://rapidshare.com/files/189078456/matthew_sweet_-_100_percent_sweet_1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189084050/matthew_sweet_-_100_percent_sweet_2.rar
Enjoy
Hooli
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