A true animal lover in every sense.
Mammals, fish, insects even molluscs all get special treatment.
Me? Although I’ve never been in favour of hurting any living thing, I can take them or leave them.
I’ve always avoided the thorny subject of pets as I get huge guilt trips thrown at me every time it is brought up. Invariably I win, citing various allergies among the excuses for not sharing my life with animals.
The vision of puppykins cocking its leg and pissing into the soundhole of my beloved Takamine is enough to bring out horror sweats.
I remember one time in my teens, driving my mothers Siamese to the vet in a fairly new Ford Capri.
Every time I now see a picture of a Capri the smell of cat’s piss fills my nostrils.
Watching the Bodie & Doyle rolling over the bonnet in the reruns of the Professionals is completely out of the question.
Another time, transporting my brother in law’s cat to Leeds, it proceeded to puke all over the rear of my six month old Vauxhall.
OK so it wasn’t like anything from the Exorcist but a little cat sick goes a long way.
You can see why I have no particular affinity with cars.
When I think about it, as soon as I get a new one, the Gods aren’t satisfied until they have meted out some kind of retribution.
Anyway, back to pets – the simple truth is that pets are expensive.
Once you have one, everything you do from the on has to include considerations for said pet.
We have been fortunate enough to be adopted by a neighbour’s cat. This is fine for me because it gives the kids access to something cute and fluffy without the responsibility. No baskets or cages. No vet bills or insurance. No kennel fees when we go on holiday. Don’t even have to feed it.
I’m told grand parenting is similar…
Much to my childrens delight we have also become custodians to a number of frogs in the pond and I’m now told we might be rabbit sitting for friends when they go on holiday.
It’s going to be interesting to see what the neighbour’s cat and the local foxes make of little bunny.
There is obviously a natural scheme of things there with the main players all capable of having some effect on the food chain.
The trouble nowadays though is that certain species are immune from the whole food chain scenario. They cant even be culled. Everything is becoming protected.
Every year at work we are invaded by swifts.
Nice, cute, fluffy fork tailed little f4ckers that shite all over the place.
While they are here on the northern leg of their migratory pilgrimage, they choose to breed resulting in dozens more tweeting beaks that grow into fork tailed little f4ckers who shite all over the place. So it goes. They continue to breed, come back every year, breed some more, perform their aerobatic shite spreading display, then breed some more before naffing off back to South Africa to shite somewhere else.
Having had to chisel swift crap off a newly ground surface to find out how corrosive bird shit really is, I'd quite happily let them all in, seal up all the windows and doors and gas the little f4ckers.
OK that's not really nature's way.
We are merely the unpaying guest on the planet. Squatters who take everything out and put nothing back. We have no real claim over nature and are probably its greatest enemy but we too have enemies.
Is the swift natures revenge?
No, not really.
Man has a greater foe than the delicate little shitticus forkitailicus.
Surely the work of the Devil, only Satan himself could have conjoured up something so vile, so evil, so stupid yet so f4cking dangerous.
The single most demonic creature upon this earth, more louse riddled than the rat, more sinister than the shark, more despised than the seagull and more disgusting than any of the six legged bity, stingy things that the insect world can throw at us.
The pigeon is pure malevolence incarnate.
Only Old Nick could be responsible for giving us the pigeon.
How else could a creature gain the capacity to breed nine times a year.
With a clutch of two eggs, that means the pigeon population will soar eighteen fold in a single year. Colonisation of the world is surely imminent.
Much of my hatred of the pigeon comes from the fact that I have to carry out building surveys from time to time.
Disused building surveys.
As soon as a pigeon spots that a building is disused, it can zap out the windows with its demonic stare and the colonisation can begin.
If you go into any disused building in this country, norther to central Europe or in the northern and eastern reaches of America, the first thing you will notice is the idiotic burbling cooing sound of roosting pigeons. The next thing that will hit you is the smell. Then, once they realise you are there, they all attempt to make their escape, flapping around like the maniacal psychopaths that they are, crashing into anything in their path including walls windows, you, me and, in the ensuing panic, each other.
One can only assume that this display of apparent suicidal madness is designed to lull silly old homosapien engineer playing at being a surveyor guy into a false sense of security.
Ha ha! Look at the dumb doos flying around like idiots.
Don’t be deceived. The real reason for this is to stir up all their feathery shit dust so to unleash their bio attack.
These guys have more biological and chemical warfare at their disposal than Saddam Hussein ever did yet we still see the blithely ignorant pigeon worshippers in Trafalgar Square feeding them like they were harmless pets.
Once you’ve inhaled the detritus from these messengers of hades, you can expect a good old dose of PFL (Pigeon Fanciers’ Lung) which, put simply, is an allergic reaction to all things pigeony. The mix of their shite and feather fluff induces a similar effect to that experienced by people suffering from asbestosis where the lungs can’t exchange oxygen efficiently enough resulting in shortness of breath. Unlike asbestosis it isn’t necessarily fatal but you can bet they’re working on it. Once they find a way....
Even if you don’t inhale much of their airborne filth you could still contract Parrot Flu or Psitticosis, a type of pneumonia that can actually kill.
If that doesn’t get you then one of the good old bird flu viruses, Ornithosis or Chiamdiosis will. Failing that, there’s always Campolybacter or Shigella both of which, within four hours of contact, will have you shitting through the eye of a needle for a fortnight.
If you’re one of those insanely healthy people who scoff at illness and disease as if it were nothing but a minor inconvenience, consider this, Psitticosis can be passed on…
If they don’t get you they’ll get your kids, your elderly parents, your neighbours or your pets.
Then, as foretold, supremacy will truly be theirs.
Revenge of the dodo’s demise will be complete.
In these days of the super-bug, one final thought…
What do you see hanging around the outside and around the water tanks of hospitals?
The sentinel of death itself - the dreaded doo!
Next time you’re having lunch in the park and you’re about to pull the crust of your sarnie, STOP. Think!
Pull a gun instead.
Dick Dastardly had the right idea.
Dastardly & Muttley in Their Flying Machines
http://rapidshare.com/files/122902041/39_Dastardly___Muttley_in_Their_Flying_Machines.rar
The way of the Vaselines.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/122296796/The_way_of_the_Vaselines.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/122299598/Vaselines_3.rar
The Big Dish – Swimmer
http://rapidshare.com/files/122293359/Swimmer.rar
Big Country – One In A Million
http://rapidshare.com/files/122289203/One_In_A_Million.rar
The Silent League – Of Stars And Other Somebodies
http://rapidshare.com/files/122285170/Of_Stars_And_Other_Somebodies.rar
James Yorkston – Just Beyond The River
Removed by request
James Yorkston – Fearsome Fairytale Lovers
Removed by request
Fingerprintz – Distinguishing Marks [LP]
http://rapidshare.com/files/122159212/Distinguishing_Marks__LP_.rar
The Big Dish – Creeping Up On Jesus
http://rapidshare.com/files/122282065/Creeping_Up_On_Jesus.rar
Johnny Flynn – A Larum
http://rapidshare.com/files/122277475/A_Larum.rar
The Raphaels – Supernatural
http://rapidshare.com/files/122429637/Supernatural.rar
Echo & The Bunnymen – What Are You Going To Do With Your Life
http://rapidshare.com/files/122325685/What_Are_You_Going_To_Do_With_Your_Life.rar
and so finally, and quite literally following on, the requests...
after weeks of searching,
Echo And The Bunnymen - Reverberation
http://rapidshare.com/files/123799616/Reverberation.rar
St. Vitus Dance - Glypotheque
http://rapidshare.com/files/123792673/Glypotheque.rar
Love And Money - Strange Kind of Love http://rapidshare.com/files/123807329/Strange_Kind_of_Love.rar
More next week....
Tim - James King was a hit but I need to upload it.
Look back next week.
Cheers
Hooli
6 comments:
Wet Wet Wet sold about 17 million records'
Love and Money sold about 17.
And people still insist that God isn't dead.
Just in case you ever start to lose faith, remember there are many people out herew ho read your posts, and enjoy them.
keep up the good work.
Many, many thanks for St. Vitus Dance. Lead singer sounds like he just left the studio after recording his one Bunnymen record, and that was almost 20 years ago!
darren - God isn't dead (but he has left the building...).
Hooli - with you on the pigeon thing. They're just rats with wings. And as for seagulls - who was it that described them as a mouth separated from an anus by an acid-bath? I just wish the trick with Alka-Seltzer actually worked...
Thanks for the music, as ever - I'm not quite sure how I missed some of this stuff the first time round...lot of lost ground to make up!
Guys,
Thanks for the comments.
Wet Wet Wet?
No shame in saying this - I did see them a couple of times and they were good enough but I guess their appeal to the younger, female listener and that old Troggs number really finished them off credibility wise.
Love and Money's 17 sales? I guess I was directly responsible for three of those but how can you resist a quiff like that.
When you look at the 17 million against the 17, it's a bit of a last resort scenario - you know that Eagles song with the line 'call someplace paradise, kiss it goodbye'. Once something get so much exoposure and hype its pretty well shagged.
Think of the number of good bands that has happened to.
Strangely, listening to the Bunnymen / Burke album, it is quite obviously them but he fits in rather well. Not sure about the St Vitus Dance album yet.
Gulls?
Well, there's always the good old Coke(liquid form) and Mentos trick.
God - well everyone has their own opinion and, if they hold the faith, their own God.
Last time I looked he was alive, well, silver haired and strutting around the O2 with a Les Paul round his neck.
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